Monday, February 18, 2013

Rainbows, butterflies, and Italian men

Let's play a game. Which word in the title doesn't work with the rest? Oh on this note I've discovered the back of Italian cereal boxes are a fantastic learning opportunity! Just my level of understanding. Anyways that was NOT the point of this blog but the whole which one doesn't fit thing reminded me of a great cereal box I found the other day.

Ok focusing on the real topic here. Italian men. I don't care how much they want to disagree they are a ridiculous stereotype. And on top of that they are a bloody mess. I now have an interestingly hilarious collection of Italian men and the stories that go with them.
Background info or a couple of these stories: So I made the interesting decision to do my instructor course in Rome. There is only one person at the dive shop that speaks decent english so pretty much all of the course was done in Italian. That being said, I have learned Italian pretty well due to all this and met many interesting people. For practical reasons I am just going to use the first letter of all their names in this article.

The story of the love of my life. Ok wellllll maybe not but he's absolutely beautiful and I'm a bit infatuated. But anyways R is the most beautiful Italian I have ever met. When I first came back to Rome I went into the dive shop to figure out the details. The minute I saw him I just went speechless. I am completely incapable of speaking Italian when he is around. Well this progressed, he started asking G about how my courses were doing and everything else about me and of course I made a point of finding out everything about him. Well we have this mutual friend who is a course director (also Italian) and stops by the shop occasionally. Well this whole tragic story would have been slightly less tragic if not for this friend. Basically, every time he comes by or every time I talk to him he has some new rude comment to make. I think I've been pushed into a back room with R once by him, and I've had all manner of interesting things said to me. Anyways, R has decided he's not interested because I don't speak Italian and one time when I brought Amanda in there actually proceeded to ignore us the entire time...RUDE! Anyways, upon my return from my most recent adventure to the US I went into the shop to pick up some things for my trip to Sudan (OH MY GOD I'M SO EXCITED) and he was in there. So I'm leaning over the counter talking to G and P in Italian and completely ignoring his stupid self and he up and decides that he needs to be in the middle of this conversation. So he plops himself down at the counter right next to me as close as he can possibly get and tries to get in on this conversation. So of course I did what any intelligent person would do and started hitting on his best friend when he showed up.

Ok Italian number 2 I met at a bus stop. I realize this sounds sketchy, but when I have a glass of wine or 2 I speak Italian quite well. Or maybe I just dont notice how terribly I speak it. Anyways, (the following conversation has been translated into English for your convenience) I was standing at this bus stop and this man asks me if the 913 has gone by yet. I say no I'm waiting for it too. We start talking and he asks the normal questions, where are you from, how long have you lived in Rome, how long are you staying for. Along with the necessary compliments; oh your Italian is so good (I knew he was lying), you are so beautiful (I'll take it), and other niceties. Well this all got interesting when he asked for my phone number or email address. I have a shit little burner phone at the moment due to the fact that I errmmm "misplaced" my iphone. So I was like why the hell not, and gave him my number. He starts messaging me and we agree to get drinks the following week. Well we end up having to reschedule twice cause of him and I finally just was like oh screw this. So then I get this dramatic message from him saying that if I am going to be that way then he has no reason to talk to me and blah blah blah honestly I didn't really care about the rest. But my question is uhmmm how is this my fault?

Right so the real jewel in this bunch is Italian number 3. I did save the best for last. I met F in Malta. I was there for a couple days diving with a friend and due to the fact that he needed to take the group and I more or less speak Italian it just sorta worked. Don't get me wrong, they were a lovely group of guys, it just gets funny. Ok so 4 of the 5 add me on facebook while we are all in Malta. I'm like sure whatever I have most of my divers on there. Ok so this one other guy doesn't add me. Well I'm back in CA and on my way to Las Vegas when I get a real gem of an email. I actually had to pull over and read it I was laughing so hard. Basically he's in love with me and proceeded to explain everything I do that he's so in love with and finishes the email with "Mail meeeeeeeeeeeeeeee plz!!!! I need to know if you do really exist or if I dreamed of you like Alice did with the Cheshire Cat. " Ok right so let's assume that that wasn't tragic enough, he discovers that I have imessage. So we've been messaging since January really and just so everyone knows he already has the names of our kids figured out. I am SO glad that he has this sorted, I would hate to have to deal with that on my own.So he's also managed to stalk down my username on scubaboard (online forum for diving) and my twitter (kinda forgot I had that) and something else that I can't remember. Right so we have literally fought over everything on the planet at this point including how old I am. Cause you know god forbid I would ever actually know how old I am. He is constantly telling me that he has feeling for me, but then tells me I'm too young to understand. I was saying my favorite movie was Gone With the Wind and he told me that I am a product of a technology generation and too young to ever understand slavery, etc etc etc. And honestly this just gets progressively stupider. So then the most recent one is he decided that I hate him and don't want to speak to him anymore. Please note I have NEVER said anything of the sort. No matter how much he annoys the hell out of me I am actually quite intrigued. As one of my friends has pointed out he would never last a weekend with me, but I'm still intrigued. So his latest one is to send me the Foo Fighters video "I should have known" I don't know if any of you know that song, but really a summary is: I love you but you don't want me and my heart is breaking and I feel bad or myself and I should have known better than to ever fall in love with you so I'm going to feel bad for myself for the entire 5 minute duration of this song. So anyways my response was lovely and how are you doing today? At which point I think he almost died of shock that I was still talking to him and instead of answering my question his response was "we are talking? did i send you the right link?" facepalm! yes we are talking why would we not be. He then proceeds to send me line by line the first couple lines of the song. My response was I can google lyrics all by myself and have and something along the lines of "here's the problem. you dont know what you want. either you like me or you dont. and everytime we speak you give me 500 reasons why you shouldnt. so let me know when you figure it out. cause honestly this is exasperating." Which then launched him into how much he loves me and my directness. I'm done here. I think I'm going to start pulling the emails from an asshole approach. Honestly this cannot get much more tragic.

Well I may have just fried your brain with a whole bunch of crap you couldn't care less about, if you read this far, maybe you do love me. Right and on that note I'm going to end this sad narrative. Maybe I should have submitted this for my job application story? Yeah no that would have been a bad idea. Hmmm debating adding a picture collage so you have faces that go with this, but I feel like the whole talking about them and showing them is a different issue. Here's a gif to explain the title at least. It's from Horton Hears a Who. I'm a little obsessed.
 photo tumblr_lfcdjtrWeV1qdtmwjo1_500_zpsa46b250e.gif
And now that I have probably blown your mind, I will go clean my kitchen. Tally for the day: I've lit my oven on fire, broken a glass and a dish, and spilled a gallon of water on the floor. Cooking lesson tonight! And by that I mean I'll be dealing with things I need internet to deal with and having a lovely glass of wine while laughing at idiot study abroads. Cheers to that!

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